As I was picking up Claire from school today, the teacher approached me and told me that Claire has been putting objects inside her mouth again and that she is worried she might choke. I told her that this was a problem a year ago when she was in preschool and I actually thought we were over that hill. I guess I was wrong. Did it come back?
We walked to the car and she seemed sad. As we got inside the car, I asked her what happened and if she was spacing out. She said she didn't want to talk about it. I started worrying.
What could I possibly be worrying?
Maybe this happened ever since I had my nervous breakdown. Maybe she is stressed out. Maybe she is tired and lacking of sleep because we haven't been consistent in her bedtime lately. Maybe she is thinking and anxious just like me because we both know that when she is spacing out, that is when she places objects inside her mouth, whatever is on her hand. Could it be that she is anxious too?
So when we got home, I asked her if she was sad, she said no. I asked her if there is something making her sad, she says no. I asked her is she was thinking of something so much lately, she says no. Then it hit me, how could she know? She is a child. How would she know she is anxious until probably it has gotten so bad that she would start needing professional help? How does so many kids these days have depression? And if someday she does, would I say no and pretend that she isn't? What if I am just like my parents who thinks that depression doesn't exist?
I don't want to ruin her. I wish I was a happy mommy. I wish I could hold my tongue and not worry her. I wish she didn't care much about being clean? I wish she didn't worry what clothes to wear depending on the weather. I wish she wasn't an only child. I wish she was carefree just like her friends. I wish I don't affect her much. I wish she doesn't turn into me. Because if she does, I will be so broken, much broken than I am now. How do I make sure she doesn't turn into me?