Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Roller Coaster

It's been a wild ride. There are days I felt like I could do anything and accomplish everything. Yet there are days too when I can't seem to focus on anything specific, especially if Claire isn't home. My mind wanders and time flies by and I realize I didn't do a thing all day. I'm sorry.

I'm trying.

On another note, thank you for being there for me. Especially today after Claire's author presentation in school. I'm very upset that two of her close friends didn't have their parents with them. I remember as a teenager when I was sick in the hospital and none of my parents ever came to visit me. I remember how it felt. I remember graduations and seeing all my friends have both of their parents with them. Then there was me and mom and father was of course at home for sure sitting in his chair. I remember the feeling of jealousy and sadness yet somehow I acted as if it didn't bother me at all. My friends were my family and they were there so the world seem perfect at that time-until today.

To be with our child and see her friends' faces for some reason- now it affects me. Denial I guess was a temporary patch to life's pain. It seems like every mountain I thought I've crossed made me stronger yet now to experience a lot of it again - I didn't cross it at all did I?

I find it very interesting that I have worked so hard in giving Claire a different experience as a child as oppose to mine. Yet somehow Claire finds out about it too- because her friend's experiences it. Would it make her appreciative of us? Does that even matter when the reality of it is that her friends are just like our children because they are part of Claire's life? She is 6 and she feels pain through her friend's pain - we can't escape it after all.

I am emotional today - I know. And yes, a big part of it has something to do with my cycle but if this was to happen two weeks from now, do you think I wouldn't shed a tear for those kids at all? I couldn't understand why it hurt until I saw his face and his eyes and it spoke so much pain that the flood of pain from my past just came barging through me. Then I don't know which hurt more, their pain or mine.

I hope these kid's parents wakes up soon. I really hope they do.