I received this article about blame when I was at the hospital in 2013. It is one of those things that made me think so much about the choices I make everyday and where I truly wanted to be in the future. I believe it is part of a book that deals with anger. I tried to research where it came from but unfortunately I couldn't track the book. Either way, it talks a lot about what blame is and what it does to us.
It is a great article to educate us more about our feelings surrounding anger. I truly believe that by understanding our emotions, it takes us one step closer to begin our healing journey.
In order to heal you must look at blame. Only after anger and blame are expressed and supported can they be replaced with forgiveness and pity. Without forgiveness, you cannot experience freedom from the anguish and control the abuse has over you. Many survivors join together to bash their abusers (and sometimes men in general). Letting out their anger towards their abusers and the world becomes the stopping point for some victims. It is important that you do not misunderstand anger. You have every right to be furious and rageful at your abuser. But when you get stuck in the anger or blame (either toward your abuser or yourself), it becomes destructive to you. There is a place and time to let out the anger and blame, then it is important to move beyond it. This journey is designed to help you deal with your rage and blame. You must tame those animals so you can move forward, out of the dark forest. If you do not tame or leave the animals behind, they will eventually control your life as they attempt to devour you.
Like other defenses, blame protects you from pain. As long as you are continually blaming others or yourself, you remain a victim. The pain that is protected by defenses creates a wall that keeps you in a powerless state. As you hold onto blame, your energy is focused on other people controlling you. It is hard to stop this pattern as long as you put yourself in the victim role. When you were a child you were truly a victim and others were to blame. This set up the pattern of coping during a time when you did not have control. That pattern often remains as one grows into an adult. The child's survival defense is based on the belief that people will hurt you, that they (or you) are to blame, and there is nothing you can do. The problem with blaming as an adult is that it continues to render you a helpless victim. Again, I need to make sure you do not misunderstand that I am not taking responsibility away from the abuser. Your abuser is at fault for the abuse and therefore deserves your anger; but when you hang onto the blame and the rage for years and years, it is you who is re-abusing yourself by allowing your abuser to continue to control your life and happiness. The abuser sucks you into the vicious cycle of abuse and you then pass the effects of it on to others in your life.
By now you are probably asking, "What am I suppose to do if not blame my abuser for what he did to my life?" First, you must see that your abuser only has true control over you if you are a child. Now, as an adult, it is you who decides what will control you. It is your wild animals which you must leave behind or tame.
I wish I knew the name of the book from where this writing came from so I can share it with you and I can learn from it too. As I understand, the book is about dealing with anger and blame and understanding those wild animals inside of us. If you know the book, please share it with me and others.
I hope that by sharing this short piece with you that you may find hope in your life today. Also, that by reading this, that it will make you want to understand your anger and start the process of healing and moving on.