Blame

I received this article about blame when I was at the hospital in 2013.  It is one of those things that made me think so much about the choices I make everyday and where I truly wanted to be in the future. I believe it is part of a book that deals with anger. I tried to research where it came from but unfortunately I couldn't track the book. Either way, it talks a lot about what blame is and what it does to us.

It is a great article to educate us more about our feelings surrounding anger. I truly believe that by understanding our emotions, it takes us one step closer to begin our healing journey.

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Blame

In order to heal you must look at blame. Only after anger and blame are expressed and supported can they be replaced with forgiveness and pity. Without forgiveness, you cannot experience freedom from the anguish and control the abuse has over you. Many survivors join together to bash their abusers (and sometimes men in general). Letting out their anger towards their abusers and the world becomes the stopping point for some victims. It is important that you do not misunderstand anger. You have every right to be furious and rageful at your abuser. But when you get stuck in the anger or blame (either toward your abuser or yourself), it becomes destructive to you. There is a place and time to let out the anger and blame, then it is important to move beyond it. This journey is designed to help you deal with your rage and blame. You must tame those animals so you can move forward, out of the dark forest. If you do not tame or leave the animals behind, they will eventually control your life as they attempt to devour you.

Like other defenses, blame protects you from pain. As long as you are continually blaming others or yourself, you remain a victim. The pain that is protected by defenses creates a wall that keeps you in a powerless state. As you hold onto blame, your energy is focused on other people controlling you. It is hard to stop this pattern as long as you put yourself in the victim role. When you were a child you were truly a victim and others were to blame. This set up the pattern of coping during a time when you did not have control. That pattern often remains as one grows into an adult. The child's survival defense is based on the belief that people will hurt you, that they (or you) are to blame, and there is nothing you can do. The problem with blaming as an adult is that it continues to render you a helpless victim. Again, I need to make sure you do not misunderstand that I am not taking responsibility away from the abuser. Your abuser is at fault for the abuse and therefore deserves your anger; but when you hang onto the blame and the rage for years and years, it is you who is re-abusing yourself by allowing your abuser to continue to control your life and happiness. The abuser sucks you into the vicious cycle of abuse and you then pass the effects of it on to others in your life.

By now you are probably asking, "What am I suppose to do if not blame my abuser for what he did to my life?" First, you must see that your abuser only has true control over you if you are a child. Now, as an adult, it is you who decides what will control you. It is your wild animals which you must leave behind or tame. 

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I wish I knew the name of the book from where this writing came from so I can share it with you and I can learn from it too. As I understand, the book is about dealing with anger and blame and understanding those wild animals inside of us. If you know the book, please share it with me and others.

I hope that by sharing this short piece with you that you may find hope in your life today. Also, that by reading this, that it will make you want to understand your anger and start the process of healing and moving on.

The Power of Anger

I was 28 when I became pregnant with my first child. It was suppose to be a celebratory time. I've been married for 3 years and starting a family was naturally the next plan. I wanted that child before she even came. Yet in the first few weeks of being pregnant, my excitement was over shadowed by strong emotions that I couldn't decipher. I tried to do the usual task of preparing for a newborn but those turned into anxious activities. Thankfully, I was physically healthy and the baby was healthy. So, I ignored what I felt.

Almost to the end of my pregnancy, I began asking myself questions of how I was truly feeling. I knew I had to face the ugly truth that was blocking the joy I expected to experience. It felt like a shadow following me. But I wasn't able to clearly define it. I thought I was fearful of the unknown of being a new parent. However, weeks before my due date, one family advised me at my baby shower that I shouldn't be worried about the birth process. My anxiety was clearly obvious. I started explaining to her that I didn't have any worries about the birth itself, or the change of schedule, or the sleepless nights ahead of us. I was only worried about the 18 years of this child in my home. And that was the truth.

I didn't expect it to come that clear as an answer. It was truly how I felt since I found out I was bearing a child. Yet, it was so ugly to hear it on my head that I tried to break free from it. I was ashamed of my thoughts. I wanted to be a strong mother who could face anything. I wanted to be fearless. Nevertheless, the truth always breaks free and when it does, it relieves a person from the unknown, by then liberating one's self.

My fear was that I wouldn't be the parent I wanted to be for her. The parent I wish I had. All I knew about parenting was how not to be. To me, that wasn't enough validation that I could do this job.  And the ultimate fear was the hitting and the outrageous spanking I knew all too well from my parents. As I recognized my emotions and validated them, I prayed so hard that I wouldn't be anything close to my parents. I knew that hitting is a boundary I could never cross with my child. 

I've seen anger countless of times. I've heard the punch of the fist in someone's chest many times. I've heard the swoosh of belt into someone's body. I've heard the slaps of anger to someone's face. And I have felt some of those too. I haven't just been an observer, I've experienced them too. Anger that looks like a monster and feels like a monster.

It took lots of therapy after I gave birth to understand all of my fear. It took amounts of courage to dive deep into my past and face what I have been avoiding throughout my adulthood. But the past will always catch up on us, isn't it? I knew that if I truly wanted to be the parent my child deserved, I needed to work harder than most parents.

I learned so many things about anger throughout the years. I knew I have the same temperament as my father. I've felt that consumed anger several times throughout my life. The only difference was, the anger was always towards someone who can defend themselves. It has never been to a powerless child. 

I've learned that there are some types of anger that hijacks me. Too consuming anger that takes hostage over my thoughts and judgment. I lose control. The dragon comes out and none of me exist. I am conscious but I am not strong to make sense of what is right from wrong. 

Life can never be defined to me anything else but a journey through trials, and through ups and downs. Awareness comes from within but it happens because of ones choice. Healing and changing is a choice, a very difficult choice to make. But it is possible.

I've been a parent for a decade now. And I have never hit her once. I've learned to control my anger with the help of therapists and doctors. Every day, every situation, has been a choice. There are only two choices. It is either black or white. I believe that when children are involved and when their emotions, safety and future is at stake, there is no gray scale to choose from. My choices are always simple. Is it Black or White? Do I do what is right and respectful? Or do I disrespect her, violate her boundary and her emotions and safety? 

I don't think I can liberate myself from facing those choices every day until she becomes an adult. It is that critical to me. Puberty is around the corner and no matter how scary that sounds, I somehow feel ready to face it. I will take everything one at a time. I know the signs of my anger. I know myself. I can control myself. I don't know what lies ahead between me and my child, but I know my choices, and that gives me hope that I will always do the right thing.

What to do when one is experiencing strong anger like emotions

1. Recognize your emotions and try to determine exactly how you are feeling. Are there any physical signs occurring? Are you sweating? Are you shaking? Is your jaw clenching? Has your heart rate increased? Does your face feel hot?

2. Try to define the emotions by asking questions to yourself. Questions like, am I feeling irritated, resentment, irked, disrespected or am I feeling rage? 

3. Define it more, what am I exactly angry at?

4. Once it is clearly defined, validate your feelings. You have the right to feel them. 

5. Then decide and make a choice on how to react. We are responsible for our emotions even if we have the right to feel them. 

6. Remind yourself, that it is okay to be angry, it is what you do with that anger that counts. You have choices on how to react right now. Should you delay?