Thoughts on Anger and My Path to Resolution

Over the years, I've filed many things about anger and wrote about it on my journal. As you hear this you may begin to understand that anger was one of the biggest mountain I willingly climbed and was also the hardest to climb down from.

Anger to me was the most difficult emotion to understand. On one hand. it has protected me and has become my self-defense from pain and betrayal. Heck, it has even stopped me from physically hurting myself. Yet on the other, it has also stopped me from feeling relief from the pain that others have caused.

Throughout my journey (as it yet continues), I've written phrases about it that I wish to share with you. I wrote them down as they were my light bulb moments:

• Anger can be directly and respectfully addressed

• Anger can hijack and take hostage of myself....of yourself - it's called rage, or explosive anger

• We have every right to feel anger. It is what we do with the anger that isn't always okay

• Anger is real and no one is allowed to invalidate our feelings of anger. However, we are responsible for our emotions.

• Persisting anger and blame can eventually lead to shame which will continue to spiral to anger, then blame then shame. It is a vicious cycle. However, it can stop. It is not permanent. It takes courage to move past that cycle. But it is not forever because we all have a choice. It really just takes a lot of courage to face it. Yet when we are ready for that change, we know, because somehow we are tired of being in that cycle.

• Function of Anger: 
• To motivate a change.
• To protect or warn us when our moral boundaries or beliefs have been violated

• Anger can help us determine if injustice is going on, we can ask ourselves if we can fix the situation, address it or must it be radically accepted that the abuser will never take responsibility for it, so we must move on for the sake of our own self - not them the abuser!

• Distraction can help with anger. One may say that distraction is only temporary. I agree, but it can help delay and can help us from exploding. It can stop anger from taking us hostage. Distractions can either be:
•  activities (sports, exercise, arts and crafts, places to go, books, puzzles, games, cooking etc)
• feeling other emotions by assessing your entire experience which can be done by validation and understanding
• pushing away and leaving the situation. Avoiding.
• alternate thoughts, being mindful. So instead of saying, "I can't stand this", challenge your thoughts into "I can do it" or something less painful like "just breathe" or a more truthful approach and self evident like "I know who I am, and that's not me" or "I've come from worse times" or "I would never hurt anyone"
• self soothing sensations using your vision, touch, hearing, smell and taste
• connecting to environment (calling someone, making eye contact, honesty with treaters, volunteer, pet animals, go for coffee, asking someone and being interested of other's well being, hugging someone)

• Some people deserve to know about our anger, especially our abusers and/or the people who have betrayed us. However, I've painfully come to realize that some of them don't really care about our anger and pain because they emotionally and mentally can't. Which gives it more evidence that they don't deserve any part of me, of us anymore. They don't deserve anything, not an ounce, not a second from us. They are simply suffering and sad human beings who are far more lost than we are. They live in a world with much more pain and that is why they can throw pain at us without any thought. They are thoughtless, and heartless and numb. They are farther than we are in the healing process. They are in pain just like we are but they are far more suffering. You may want to help them and give them chances, but ultimately, if they aren't ready for a change, as they have shown on how to handle our honesty and courage, they will continue to hurt us. Radically accepting the pain that they threw at us could possibly be the only way to heal and forgive. Accepting the fact that we may never hear their apology and feel their remorse. Forgiving them this way is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. We are accepting that it is not us to blame but them, yet at the same time, accepting that we can't change the person who made us feel this way. But we can change our own path, our destiny, our future so we can live our own lives how we want them, by our choice, not theirs. We make the decision to heal and move on for ourselves, not them. They can't stop us from feeling joy. We matter, not them.

The Power of Anger

I was 28 when I became pregnant with my first child. It was suppose to be a celebratory time. I've been married for 3 years and starting a family was naturally the next plan. I wanted that child before she even came. Yet in the first few weeks of being pregnant, my excitement was over shadowed by strong emotions that I couldn't decipher. I tried to do the usual task of preparing for a newborn but those turned into anxious activities. Thankfully, I was physically healthy and the baby was healthy. So, I ignored what I felt.

Almost to the end of my pregnancy, I began asking myself questions of how I was truly feeling. I knew I had to face the ugly truth that was blocking the joy I expected to experience. It felt like a shadow following me. But I wasn't able to clearly define it. I thought I was fearful of the unknown of being a new parent. However, weeks before my due date, one family advised me at my baby shower that I shouldn't be worried about the birth process. My anxiety was clearly obvious. I started explaining to her that I didn't have any worries about the birth itself, or the change of schedule, or the sleepless nights ahead of us. I was only worried about the 18 years of this child in my home. And that was the truth.

I didn't expect it to come that clear as an answer. It was truly how I felt since I found out I was bearing a child. Yet, it was so ugly to hear it on my head that I tried to break free from it. I was ashamed of my thoughts. I wanted to be a strong mother who could face anything. I wanted to be fearless. Nevertheless, the truth always breaks free and when it does, it relieves a person from the unknown, by then liberating one's self.

My fear was that I wouldn't be the parent I wanted to be for her. The parent I wish I had. All I knew about parenting was how not to be. To me, that wasn't enough validation that I could do this job.  And the ultimate fear was the hitting and the outrageous spanking I knew all too well from my parents. As I recognized my emotions and validated them, I prayed so hard that I wouldn't be anything close to my parents. I knew that hitting is a boundary I could never cross with my child. 

I've seen anger countless of times. I've heard the punch of the fist in someone's chest many times. I've heard the swoosh of belt into someone's body. I've heard the slaps of anger to someone's face. And I have felt some of those too. I haven't just been an observer, I've experienced them too. Anger that looks like a monster and feels like a monster.

It took lots of therapy after I gave birth to understand all of my fear. It took amounts of courage to dive deep into my past and face what I have been avoiding throughout my adulthood. But the past will always catch up on us, isn't it? I knew that if I truly wanted to be the parent my child deserved, I needed to work harder than most parents.

I learned so many things about anger throughout the years. I knew I have the same temperament as my father. I've felt that consumed anger several times throughout my life. The only difference was, the anger was always towards someone who can defend themselves. It has never been to a powerless child. 

I've learned that there are some types of anger that hijacks me. Too consuming anger that takes hostage over my thoughts and judgment. I lose control. The dragon comes out and none of me exist. I am conscious but I am not strong to make sense of what is right from wrong. 

Life can never be defined to me anything else but a journey through trials, and through ups and downs. Awareness comes from within but it happens because of ones choice. Healing and changing is a choice, a very difficult choice to make. But it is possible.

I've been a parent for a decade now. And I have never hit her once. I've learned to control my anger with the help of therapists and doctors. Every day, every situation, has been a choice. There are only two choices. It is either black or white. I believe that when children are involved and when their emotions, safety and future is at stake, there is no gray scale to choose from. My choices are always simple. Is it Black or White? Do I do what is right and respectful? Or do I disrespect her, violate her boundary and her emotions and safety? 

I don't think I can liberate myself from facing those choices every day until she becomes an adult. It is that critical to me. Puberty is around the corner and no matter how scary that sounds, I somehow feel ready to face it. I will take everything one at a time. I know the signs of my anger. I know myself. I can control myself. I don't know what lies ahead between me and my child, but I know my choices, and that gives me hope that I will always do the right thing.

What to do when one is experiencing strong anger like emotions

1. Recognize your emotions and try to determine exactly how you are feeling. Are there any physical signs occurring? Are you sweating? Are you shaking? Is your jaw clenching? Has your heart rate increased? Does your face feel hot?

2. Try to define the emotions by asking questions to yourself. Questions like, am I feeling irritated, resentment, irked, disrespected or am I feeling rage? 

3. Define it more, what am I exactly angry at?

4. Once it is clearly defined, validate your feelings. You have the right to feel them. 

5. Then decide and make a choice on how to react. We are responsible for our emotions even if we have the right to feel them. 

6. Remind yourself, that it is okay to be angry, it is what you do with that anger that counts. You have choices on how to react right now. Should you delay?

Accepting Change.

When I was in the hospital in 2013 dealing with depression and with my suicidal tendencies, I came across these words in the hall of the hospital where I was. When I read it, I broke down crying. It wasn't because it made me sad but because it gave me hope. Hope that is rare to someone who is desperate. I've held on to it as a reminder that it really takes a lot courage to make that change. I hope to have that courage every day in my life. And I hope that these words will carry me throughout my life, and hopefully to others.



CHANGE

The pain of change is a reality. But so is the pain of no change. Changing ourselves takes only a decision.

If strength is needed, or confidence, we can only ask that it be ours. Our lives are in God's care and our needs are being attended to. Trust that all is well. Nothing lasts forever, and with each struggle brings new opportunity and growth.

We forget that new doors cannot be opened  until we've closed the ones behind us. The pain of closing those doors pushes us to new challenges and gives us a better understanding of ourselves and others.

When it comes the time for us to accept change, we will know it. Our present circumstances  will no longer be good enough.

Our experience cannot prepare us for change. But our faith can and will see us through.

By Judy Johnson
1995